Sirmione Tales
by Charitable Millionaire
Summary: Sirmione tales. Sirius/Hermione. Postwar, prewar, comedies and timetravelling assorted eras. Newest chapter: clubbing again.
1. Hermione

[Coffeeshop AU.] [Hermione Sirius.] [Song: On hold - The XX]

~o~

 **Long Time, No See**

~o~

Sirius walked into a coffee-shop and his eyes immediately lit up when they raked up and down the curvy form of a waitress...who, he lifted his eyes up, had a very familiar face.

Suddenly he felt like choking and getting into a fit of coughs when he realised who he had just lustfully checked out.

"Hermione?!" he stammered. "What are you doing here?!"

"I work here, part-time, obviously, in between studying at the Ministry." Hermione groaned and moved to wipe over a table, cleaning it with a damp cloth. "Sirius, I would ask, what are _you_ doing here?"

"Why are you sounding so angry?" Sirius's jaw tightened as he tried not to drool over her again in her small, tight, red skirt waitress uniform. Instead, he stared at the menu, then his eyes flashed as he looked right back at her small, round face again.

Hermione rolled her eyes and ignored him as she went about the little shop serving people. "Sirius, I have a job to do here. Please come back when you're not drunk or ready to distract me."

"But I haven't seen you in years...and I _am_ sober," Sirius growled out that list bit as he sat down at a table.

"Sure."

"Hermione, how old are you now?"

Hermione stifled a laugh and lifted a pitcher of coffee. "Twenty-one."

"Really?" He raised his brows, thinking to himself, _'Where have the years gone?'_

Hermione placed a hand on her hip. "Sirius, as much as I'm enjoying this little reunion, are you leaving now?"

Sirius chuckled. "You really don't care for me at all, do you? What did I ever do to make you hate me so much?"

Hermione tossed her bushy, brown hair back, which hadn't changed from years ago. Neither her brown eyes which were perfectly the same, the same openness and warmth disguised behind intellect and fury. She squared her eyes on him. They were the same eyes except now she wore mascara and a bit of black eye liner. She looked very pretty.

"I have to go," she said.

"You can serve me, I'm a customer." He started to order things off the menu.

Hermione seemed more annoyed than ever. "Fine. Stay. But I'm treating you the same as any other customer!" She dashed off behind the counter. "Tell me, when you're finished ordering."

Sirius rolled his eyes and leaned back at the little table grumpily. "Bloody waitresses. Absolutely great service, Hermione!" He stared in confusion at the muggle menu. "I'll have a triple double grande. With chocolate. And noodles."

"You have no idea what that means or what you're ordering, Sirius."

"Well, I'll bloody have it anyways!" Sirius shouted back at her. "I can order whatever bloody I want."

"Fine!" There was a stomping sound as Hermione moodily started up the cafe latte machine. _"I'llgiveyouyourbloodylatte with NOODLES!"_

~o~


	2. Hermione Again

This is after the war, and post-veil. Both adults. Warning: mildly racy language.

[Written for Torture the OTPs challenge: Prompt "Your OTP is trapped in a cave. They are unable to escape the cave on their own and must wait to be rescued."]

[a bit crackfic ish too because duh this collection is]

 **Between a Rock and a Hard Place**

~o~

Sirius looked around the cave and swore. "Dammit, why did we have to get stuck here, again?"

His eyes flashed accusingly at Hermione and she glared daggers back at him. "Don't blame me, I told you not to touch that untested artefact in the Department of Mysteries and you didn't listen to me at all." She crossed her arms and sat even more uncomfortably on the rock in the dark, damp cave. She chuckled suddenly. "Actually, it's quite ironic that you came back from one item in the Department of Mysteries, only to be stupid enough to get caught by another one!"

Sirius's jaw set with a pulsing desire to snap into something. He was not at all impressed by how bossy Hermione J. Granger was being to him or how damn self-righteous the uptight, little, busybody always was towards him. As if he didn't know as much as her. Ridiculous! He knew more than her! He just didn't take out of his reading glasses and proceed to lecture and bore everyone with his superiority.

Sirius crossed his legs and leant back against another rock in the large cave. If they argued enough, it briefly occurred to him, they might actually start an avalanche or other precipitation of rocks to cave in with all the echoes from their arguing.

"I actually did know what I was doing, Hermione," he informed her icily. "I was just testing that artefact, or about to, when you stomped in and wrecked everything by crashing into me!"

"I did NOT stomp!" Hermione cried, stomping her foot—and then realising what she'd done, she blushed and her eyes looked up at him.

Sirius grinned. "See? You do admit you stomp? Even here? You're like a little bull in a china shop and you just had to nose your way into my business again."

"Nose?! You had no security clearance to be there in the first place!"

"Yes, nose, and you knew perfectly well what you did, didn't you? Ever since I came back from the Veil, you've acted like I'm your property or something because you just so happen to work there at the Department. Well, guess what? I'm not Ministry property! I'm a human being!"

Hermione clenched her fists, looking ready to pound into either the cave walls or his abs...and both were rock hard. Sirius chuckled at the thought of Hermione finding out just how hard and impenetrable his abs were. "You're bloody ridiculous is what you are!" the little brunette shouted. "Why are you laughing? And we're bloody stuck in a cave now, however it happened or whoever's fault it is, there's still nothing amusing about this situation!"

"Oh, I beg to differ," Sirius drawled smoothly and stood to get up and stroll towards her. "For instance, I'm starting to find it highly—highly—amusing how _tightly_ wound up you are. Very, very tight."

He chuckled and laid his eyes all over her, raking her up and down.

"Keep your distance!" Hermione warned him and she kicked her heel against the stone wall as her pencil skirt hitched up ever so slightly. She looked incredibly alluring in her prim, proper workplace clothes. All white shirt and mid-length skirt, and so damn posh you wanted to knock the wrinkle-free, lint-free spells off her.

Sirius ran a hand through his long, lustre black locks, which fell down over his eyes.

"Easy, Hermione. We're going to spend a lot of time in this cave, before the other Unspeakables at the Department find out what happened and where we went." He tugged down his tie, exposing the top few buttons of his white shirt. "How else do you want to spend the time?"

Hermione gulped, thickly, and looked incredibly nervous, like she was about to electrocuted by a fence if she touched him or got too near. "I don't know," she muttered in panic.

Sirius laughed. "Relax, I wasn't suggesting anything improper...or dangerous." He raised his hands and took out a book. "I only meant that we only have one book and one way to pass the time: reading. We will have to share." He leant up closer than her. "Do you think we could share?" He breathed upon her. "Or would sitting too close to me make you feel uncomfortable...I'm short-sighted you see, so I would have to see the page over your shoulder."

Hermione gulped. She looked like she was going to start stuttering from nerves.

Sirius was amused and he raised a cocky brow.

"...And since the cave floor is so hard and uncomfortable, you could sit on my lap to be even more comfortable and I would lean over your back and read over your shoulder." Sirius paused smoothly to check his watch. "Since the book is about 1500 pages and a lurid, chivalry romance all about knights and their fair ladies, I'm sure we'll have no trouble being entertained..." He grinned. "For at least 12 hours, at least if we re-read it...So the question remains: will you be comfortable sitting on my lap for all that time?"

Hermione's face was red as a pancake cooked on a hot griddle and then left with sweet sauce and syrup all over it. Sirius wanted to lick the anxiety right off her face and fingertips. A lady as pretty as Hermione should not be so nervous.

He should be. He would most definitely get something hard from her fine behind sitting on his lap for so long.

"I—I, er, don't know," Hermione panted and wiped at her brow, which was starting to sweat. "It's so hot in here and this cave...and, ah, like you said the Unspeakables might take forever...I don't know what else we could do, but read...and it's gentlemanly of you to offer me sitting on you." Her eyes widened. "But what will you do, won't your own...um...behind...be uncomfortable sitting on the rock floor?"

Sirius grinned and stood over her, looming over her small, tiny form. He winked. "My butt will be just fine, it's yours I'd be more worried about, Hermione. Women's are more delicate."

"Oh my," Hermione gasped and looked like she was already headed into trouble, which she was with Sirius Black by her side.

Sirius smirked as he sat down on the cave floor and invited her to sit with him. The romance novel they were going to read, innocently sitting beside them.

"Relax, Hermione, it's not like a genie is going to come out of nowhere to grant our wishes and get us out of here. We have to relax and wait patiently. Reading is the best distraction."

"Right." Hermione bit her lip and her hands smoothed over her pencil skirt. "I love reading."

"As do I."

"Sirius, I never see you read."

"Don't you?" Sirius chuckled.

Well, that was true, he didn't expect them to read for the full 12 hours...especially not since the book he so happened to have on him was a very steamy one.

~O~

One hour later, they had barely made it into the chapter two of the part about Sherezade seducing the mysterious mage, when Hermione had already been unconsciously grinding, fully clothed, against Sirius's hardened front.

Things had just gotten downhill from there...as they say, and the rest was history, they had to cancel the wedding with Ron, and they were both very lucky to not have caused an avalanche in the cave. Ta da! The end!

~O~

a/n: Not really this collection may continue indefinitely until Sirius is at least paired with Minnie and most of the Fantastic Beasts cast.


	3. Blue Fairy (Azkaban warning dark)

[Jukebox Challenge -Song :Summertime Blues by Eddie Cochran.]

[Warning: This is the saddest most angsty thing I've written. Don't read unless you are also feeling very angsty already.]

* * *

 _"There ain't no cure for the summertime blues."_

Sirius whipped his hair back and moved his body and head around as he paced around his cell. He was going mad. Especially looking at all the days and fucking years he had marked off on his cell wall...12 years, nearly 12 years. Sometimes he just wanted to die so it could be all over. No, that was a lie: he wanted to die all the time. The emotional pain was too much. More than the dementors, more than the cold, just knowing he had missed out on most of his life. His entire life as it should've been had been stolen from under him, like a rug under his feet. His entire life.

Sirius moaned and dragged his hands across his face and chest, bleeding a little.

Too much time in Azkaban was slowly and surely driving him mad.

But while he was there he would imagine things. He would imagine he lived in a warm, loving home and every night he was tucked in beside his special princess whom he named, Dewdrop.

Dewdrop was a blue fairy with long blonde hair like a princess and a shining smile and sweet tender eyes.

Dewdrop was the only thing that sustained him. Especially when he was temporarily in his human form instead of in his animal form: he imagined Dewdrop.

"Dewdrop, what are we doing today?"

Dewdrop had a beautiful, sad smile. Her blue eyes filled with compassion for him.

She reached out her hand to stroke his cheek.

"It's another day of waiting, Sirius. Another day until we can get out of here."

Sirius began to cry. "But I've waited so long...I can't...I can't anymore...it's going to drive me mad." He started to break down, his shoulders shaking. There was really no strength left within him.

Dewdrop wrapped her arms around him; she was dressed all in teal blue robes that sparkled like a fairy. A blue fairy.

"It's alright, I'll be there for you. Everyday."

She stroked his long, matted hair out of his face.

"Everyday you wait. Everyday we prepare. You will get out of here oneday, I promise Sirius."

Sirius snuggled closer into Dewdrop's warm soft neck, nuzzling her golden hair, and he laid a kiss on her pale forehead.

"Okay, Dewdrop. I'll hold on."

But his body still rocked violently in the morning when Dewdrop had faded with the night. Without her, he felt the madness and sheer anger rocking through him like a bad poison that wanted to destroy everything.

"Dewdrop, hold me closer," he whispered, waiting for her to come back.

.

Night came again.

She smiled and approached him with open arms.

His Dewdrop. Shining and bright and sparkling in the dark of Azkaban. His cell became the brightest in her presence and he immediately switched back into his human form so he could be with her.

"Dewdrop. You're here."

She nodded and pulled down her robes, revealing her slim, pretty body to him. "I'm here. Hold on."

 _Because there ain't no cure for the summertime blues._

 _._

 _._


	4. Gay Hermione

**Prompt: One half of your OTP is gay, the other half is straight. The one whose orientation conflicts with their ability to be a couple can't get the other person to understand that it is literally impossible for him/her to feel that way about them.**

 **This was one of the hardest things to write because it literally is torturing my OTP. But that is the name of the challenge: Torture the OTP. So make what you will of it. I clean my hands of it! I don't like torturing sirmione or breaking them up :(**

~o~

 **AU. Hermione Wants to Be Sirius.  
**

 **CRACKFIC. M for swearing/language.**

Hermione was in a serious dilemma.

A Sirius dilemma.

For Sirius and her had been dating for several weeks, and while he made her laugh and things were going seemingly well, Hermione wasn't sure she was straight anymore. Or maybe she was bi. She wasn't sure.

It had started to go downhill when Sirius finally convinced her to stay the night at his flat. Hermione thought she was attracted to Sirius and perhaps even in love with him—Sirius was after all the funniest, most good looking, charming older man with a playful bad boy personality and so much better looking than Ron—however, things started to feel too real once he started getting physical, grasping at her body and trying to really make out to her on the couch.

Hermione flinched and had to stop. "Wait. Sirius. I think we need to stop."

Sirius, who had his hand on her breasts, stared at her incredulously. His eyes widened and something seemed to ignite in them. "Why is it your first time?" Sirius chuckled and looked more in love with her than ever; he lowered his hand gently to her thigh to try to relax her. "I wouldn't hurt you, I promise, Hermione...though I thought you and Ron already did...?"

The question hung out there awkwardly for several moments of silence.

Until Hermione finally shook her head. "We did Sirius, but I thought the lack of chemistry between me and Ron was Ron's fault. Or, what am I saying, that sounds awful, I just thought I might not be that attracted to Ron physically...despite liking him personally and as a friend..."

"Hermione, love, wait, hold on, you're talking too fast. What are you saying? That Ron wasn't...what?"

Hermione chewed at her lips and she fixed her skirt better as she crossed her legs on the couch. "Sirius, I do find you attractive, I really do. More so than Ron...but suddenly I'm not feeling into you."

"Into me? What is that supposed to mean?" Sirius scoffed, but he sounded a bit worried. "Is it because I'm older, you think I can't—"

Hermione was quick to correct him. "No, it's nothing like that Sirius." The little, bookworm brunette sighed because it sounded so cliche. "It's not you, it's me, Sirius...I think I might be gay."

"Gay?" Sirius sounded like he choked on some bad whiskey. "Like, in a lesbian sort of way?" He grinned suddenly. "But kitten, that doesn't sound so bad, actually—"

Hermione hit him playfully on the chest. "Sirius, please don't get any ideas. If I'm not straight, it means I can't really be attracted to you."

Sirius looked even more confused. "But you say I'm attractive all the time, you said—"

"I know." Hermione let out a deep breath of air. "I am attracted to you, partly."

Sirius sighed loudly. "So what's the problem? You can't be gay if you are attracted to me, Hermione." He tried to grab her hands but she moved away.

"Sirius, I think I am attracted to you, but not in the way you think, or might feel for me. Rather my attraction for you, at least I'm starting to notice, is more admiration."

"Admiration, great whatever," Sirius moved towards her, to cradle her in his hands but she moved away again from his much taller, stronger body.

"You're not understanding completely, I think, Sirius. When I say I have admiration for you, it's more like I...well 'I want to be you' than 'I want to be with you'."

"Huh? Sorry, run that by me again."

"Sirius, I think I might be gay!" Hermione exclaimed, her cheeks reddening. "Why is it so hard for you to understand?!"

"No, no, hold on Hermione, you can't just diagnose yourself in two seconds because you're not in the mood today...we'll try again tomorrow! I'm sorry if I've been rubbish today, shouldn't have drunk so much."

"Sirius, there's not going to be a tomorrow and I'm sorry but it's not like a medical diagnosis, if I'm gay, that means I'm gay and nothing you say is going to change that."

"Give me another chance, Mione, I promise I'll blow your bloody mind, kitten. You haven't even slept with me yet."

"I don't want to sleep with you!" Hermione said with increasing awareness. "God, all this time I thought I was in love with you –and yes a part of me does love you intensely more than I will love any other man—however, the physical part just isn't there, or rather I'd rather be Sirius Black than be under Sirius Black."

"Sorry, I'm too lost now. You want to be fucking me? Like you'd like to become a bloody man?" Sirius swore. "Okay, I'm too fucking confused now." Sirius started to get up. "If you no longer fancy me, Hermione, you could have just said so, none of this backtracking or making up excuses."

Hermione felt tears run down her eyes. "I'm not making excuses Sirius. I'm sorry. I do love you, just not physically."

Sirius smirked with forlorn eyes, his gaze distantly searching the room rather than looking at her. "So you find me more attractive than Ron and you slept with him but you don't want to sleep with me?"

Hermione bit her lip, trembling. "Ron was sort of a test. I think you were the ultimate litmus test though: if I couldn't be physical with you, it meant the problem was my sexual orientation, not either Ron or yourself."

Sirius scoffed. "You must be pranking me, Hermione. You could have just said you find me too old and you wanted a younger dick."

"Your dick is fine! I love it actually!"

Sirius's face contorted in abrupt anger. "Then what is the problem HERMIONE!"

"I don't want to have a dick in me, I want to have a dick! I want to be a man! Or I'm gay, I want to be able to seduce women like you do!"

"Fucking bloody bullshit," Sirius swore, throwing down several books from the shelves before getting his leather jacket and leaving.

"Goodbye, Hermione."

"Goodbye, Sirius. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, whatever. Lesbian, man, sure."

Hermione wiped at her cheeks and tried not to break down in tears again. Though it was so hard to explain and Sirius had not understood at all. He still thought she was making excuses just to let him down.

" _Oh god, Sirius, if only you knew how much I really love you...and yet I can't be with you. Not like that."_

Hermione looked at one of the stray hairs Sirius had left behind on the couch. With trembling fingers, she picked up the black strand that once had been in Sirius's beautiful head of long, wavy hair.

She cradled the hair to her chest. Now she only had to do one thing to make sure she was gay: she had to Polyjuice as Sirius, be a man for one night, and see how it was from the other side.

If she, Hermione Granger, could become Sirius Black for one night and seduce another woman...perhaps Lavender?

~o~

a/N: So this was the hardest thing I ever had to write because for me Sirius and Hermione have always been very straight or bi characters, and making one gay/trans was so difficult, and so AU. I can see Hermione and Sirius both as bi but not more. JK Rowling also confirmed in her twitter once that Sirius was completely straight, though I still like to write him as bi. Hermione is probably straight too but I write her as bi on rare occasions. Well, I wrote this for a challlenge so the prompt sort of forced the plot to be that way.

Though is it scary that Hermione is going to polyjuice as Sirius and test her orientation on Lavender? A bit dark near the end isn't it? haahah well this is crackfic!


	5. Hermione and Dolly

Torture the OTP. Round 3 Prompt: One half of your OTP is happily dating another person, completely oblivious to the other half of your OTP's feelings for them. Will the second person suffer in silence, or earn their beloved's eternal hatred by trying to break up the happy couple? Crack!fic.

~o~

 **I wanna be your girl, but you have another girl called Dolly**

 _ **Sirius/Dolly**_ otp

 _ **Sirius/**_ hermione _ **my true**_ otp

 _ **Ron/Hermione**_

~o~

Hermione wiped away a stray tear and tried not to think of Sirius Black, though the sad fact was she was completely and irrevocably besotted with him. And the saddest part was that Sirius Black couldn't care less or be less aware of her feelings for him.

Although Hermione hadn't told him how she felt; how could she? Sirius Black was currently happy as a clown dating Dolores Umbridge. The pink slut and Sirius couldn't be happier and the sextastic couple could be heard shagging on every surface of the house at all hours.

They didn't even care that she was studying and trying to concentrate on her book as they once again banged so hard on Sirius's bed that the ceiling in Hermione's room was in danger of caving in.

Hermione burst into tears, her shoulders shaking, as she looked up at the chandelier light of her room, which was currently shaking so hard the bulb looked like it was going to break at any moment.

"The lowlife bastard," Hermione whimpered to herself, as the ceiling once again shook and she could even hear Sirius's lowlife grunts as he spent his seed in that cheap whore, Dolly Umbridge. "What does he see in her?" Hermione wiped at her runny nose and eyes through which she could barely see because her tears were so salty and acidic.

"I want to...Merlin, help me," Hermione cried even harder because it was one thing to see another woman happy with Sirius. But it was quite another to see Sirius as content. Without a care in the world.

Finally deciding she could no sleep, while Dolores and Sirius were shagging louder than jackrabbits above, Hermione crawled out of bed and tiptoed down to the Floo network.

She threw some Floo powder in, whispered Ron's address, and waited to see Ron Weasley's comforting, reassuring face.

"Ron," she whispered when her old redhead friend appeared in the fireplace. "I've missed you."

Ron's normally happy face turned into a deep frown when he saw how Hermione was crying. "Hermione, what's wrong? What happened? Why are you upset?"

Hermione just cried more, because if there was one person she could not confide in about loving Sirius Black, it was Ron Weasley. Ron would flip his lid and go crazy, shouting about the lowlife bastard, if he knew how much she loved Sirius. Ron still held out a candle of hope for her, that Ron and her could somehow still get back together.

Hermione wiped at her tear filled eyes. "Sorry, Ron. I'm just so lonely...Can you come over?"

Ron yawned, clearly, she'd woken him in the middle of the night, but he wasn't complaining. "Yes, I'm on my way now. Hold on."

"Thank you."

Hermione was running into his arms and grabbing Ron in a thick hug when he finally Flooed into Grimmauld Place.

"Ron, thank you," Hermione murmured against Ron's warm, home-knit sweater.

Ron stroked her hair. "What's wrong, Mione? Why did you call me here in the middle of the night?" He cradled her small, round face in his calloused hands. Ron was always playing Quidditch nowadays and it showed in the many muscles and injuries and firmer resolve he had.

Hermione chewed her lip, licking the salty tears off her top lip, before staring at Ron's warm, blue eyes.

"I just needed you," she sniffed. "Ron, I love—"

"Me." Ron kissed her roughly before she could finish speaking.

Hermione was going to say she was in love with Sirius Black, but suddenly Ron's warm, calloused hands were running down her spine and over her bottom, clutching the well-defined flesh to him. And then she let out a murmur as Ron's hands slipped underneath her night dress and passed over her peaked, small nipples.

"Ron," she tried to tell him the truth, she was in love with Sirius, not him. But then she heard Sirius and Dolores's loud shag banging from the upper floor and she fell silent.

"It's alright, Hermione, I know you actually love me, not him," Ron said and kissed her on the corner of her eye. "You think you love him because he's impossible and with Dolly, but actually, you want me." Ron turned her face towards him, lifting her chin. She stared the longest time into his pure blue eyes.

She couldn't say for sure anymore what she thought or who she loved. Did she really love Sirius Black? Or had her breakup with Ron all been a mistake, because she loved him still?

Hermione wasn't sure; she didn't know her own heart anymore. All she knew too is that her very body, her very small, fragile body and core ached and hurt with unfilled desire for him. And that Ron was reawakening that desire, his hand on her thighs and bottom, drawing lazy circles.

"Take me," she finally pleaded of Ron. Ron moaned something incomprehensible and his hands wrapped around her nightdress, pulling it down. "Please, I don't want to think about him," Hermione muttered as Ron lifted her over his shoulder.

~O~

Dolores and Sirius were upstairs lighting a cigarette in bed when they suddenly heard banging noises from downstairs.

 ** _"Ron, Ron, RON!"_**

Sirius went pale when he heard Hermione's voice screeching Ron's name.

"No."

Sirius's cigarrette dropped from his mouth and nearly caught Umbridge's head on fire. "Sirius, watch where you're smoking, idiot!"

But Sirius was too shaken to care. For some reason, the thought of Hermione being with another man or moaning Ron's name like that...made him really, really mad.

~O~


	6. Hermione and Dolly part2

~O~

Sirius was high as a kite, without even smoking anything. His brains produced the pot naturally, and lately, he was depressed as fuck.

"Fuck. I'm depressed as fuck."

Sirius wished he could just get Hermione out of his brain. But he kept hearing her voice shouting "Ron, Ron RON!" The bloody red head's name as Ron Fucking Weasley thrust into her.

Sirius gripped the rests of the chair, trying to breathe in deeply.

Merlin, help him. He wanted to break Ron's neck. Even though Hermione had always been Ron's girlfriend, _not Sirius's_. Despite the fact that their short break up had happened before, before she moved in, and Hermione was never his girl, _not Sirius's._ Hermione had just come to stay with him at Grimmauld Place temporarily, but was definitely, definitely, not his girl. _Not Sirius's._

Sirius gripped his wand and raised it to his temple, considering removing the memory of Hermione from his head. It was easier than obliviation and it would be like he'd never met her. Like he never met the brunette bookworm who was slowly driving him crazy.

"Fuck her. And fuck Ron. They can have each other."

Sirius threw the glass of fire whiskey into the fireplace and watched the unused alcohol feed the flames. Sizzling and sending up tiny sparks.

"FUCK RON WEASLEY. Yeah, Hermione fuck him like a whore."

Sirius hissed and cut his hand against one of the shards.

Fuck. He was done crying over this bitch. He was Sirius Black, he had about 300 people on his Tinder app waiting to hook up. So what if they were muggles. So what if they didn't care about him or know a thing about his personality or what his heart was actually like.

He was fucking done feeling bad about Hermione and shagging Dolores Umbridge to take away the pain.

Fuck both the slags. He was done with them. Done.

~o~


	7. Hermione in 1974

**Torture the OTP Round 4 Prompt: One half of your OTP watches the other half die. (Scenario in which the death occurs is up to you, but Person B can't be saved.)**

~1974. Time Travel. AU.~

~o~

Sirius threw back his hair, out of his eyes, as he tried to laugh away his pain.

Hermione had just dumped him. It was 1974 and he'd also been kicked out of his house by his parents. He should've been having the time of his life, attacking Slytherins and fighting the sons of Death Eaters by James's side. Instead, he found himself bitterly regretting his last words to Hermione. The mysterious girl who had his heart and with whom he'd just majorly fucked up things. By opening his large, stupid mouth.

Hermione had been trying to tell him something important, to guide him, but he just wouldn't hear her.

"You wouldn't understand me, Hermione. You've had a happy upbringing, you don't understand the choices I've had to make."

"Sirius, please, just tell me you'll try to make up things with your brother. I just know—"

"You don't know anything about my family, Hermione, just please don't make assumptions."

"What about Regulus? Don't you think he still cares for you? You're his big brother."

"Stop trying to get me to make up with my family, it's not something I'm doing," he'd shouted. "And that's final."

Hermione had simply wiped away a tear from her and stared staunchly at him. "Sirius, if you don't even try to understand or do this for me, I'm afraid this has got to end...because I can't watch you destroy your life or others anymore. Including Severus, you almost killed him! Can't you see how wrong that is?!"

"Don't fucking talk to me about Snape!" Sirius had hissed, but that had been the final straw and then Hermione had completely walked away from him and refused to answer his owls.

It was alright. Sirius didn't care. He was anaesthetized to pain. He didn't have a heart anymore. Or if he did it was all Black. A black heart. Perhaps like his blood.

~o~

When he was finally ready to make an apology, Hermione was no longer there and she seemed to have disappeared as suddenly as she had mysteriously first wandered into Hogwarts and his life.

He didn't see her again for nearly twenty-years, under the most surreal circumstances.

Because at first, it just appeared to be Hermione's daughter or a relative of hers, but then he gradually came to realize that this was the Hermione he knew all along—before she met him. Before she got the Time-Turner.

He hadn't said anything, of course, out of respect. Yet it haunted him to finally see her, be reunited with his Hermione even though he could never say or speak what he felt on his mind nearly twenty years ago.

~O~

Hermione wasn't sure what she thought of Sirius Black, her friend's godfather. He was a much older man and different wizard than any she had met before. She decided, though, it would be the right thing to save his life that night he escaped with Buckbeak.

Harry loved Sirius, it was like the orphan boy finally had a family for the first time. Though his family was only an escaped prisoner with a barrage of problems and a wild sense of humour and sense of adventure despite his problems.

Harry loved his godfather. Hermione wasn't sure what to think of him or whether to ever fully trust this strange, damaged man to properly raise or be a mentor to Harry. Truthfully, Hermione thought Sirius had too many problems to actually ever raise Harry as his own son. Yet she refrained from telling this to Harry, so as not to hurt Harry, even when Sirius got on her temper many times with his delusional and dangerous behaviour. Sirius seemed to somehow think he was invincible and that nothing, not even Voldemort or the Death Eaters, could catch him.

At first, Hermione hated him for his attitude.

Gradually, over time, and from a distance, she realized she had come to love Sirius for his attitude. He was reckless and handsome, if aged and battered by countless wrecks upon the rocks of time.

She never revealed to anyone, let alone Sirius himself, that she loved him. Instead, she watched with a mitigation of terror, hope, and fear each time Sirius risked his safety and well-being to be out there and free and fighting.

She never told him she loved him. Never. And then, as she hurried by Harry's side to the Department of Mysteries, she realized it would soon all be over. So she slipped one of the Time-Turners before all of the Department was destroyed and she thought, _one-day soon I will slip through the veil of time and find him on the other side._

~o~

Sirius Black thought nothing as he slipped through death. Though he thought he understood how Hermione had travelled back in time as he watched her run towards him with the golden Time-Turner in her hand.

So this is where she had got one. This is where it had begun and ended too.

He slipped through the Veil in peace, and hoped this time, when she went back, he would make a better choice.

The right choice.

His silver eyes closed as she stared at him from across the hall, right before he slipped entirely through the Veil.

~o~


	8. Hermione Who?

_U.F. in reverse_

~o~

The last tears fell down Sirius's face.

It was over.

Hermione didn't love him.

Sirius put down the phone, wiped away the wimpy, stupid tears from his eyes and picked up the muggle phonebook.

A slightly soppy, wet grin reappeared on his face.

Time to make prank calls and hit on random women again.

He has going to hit on anything that moved. Good times.

He didn't care about Hermione...in fact, he'd already forgotten her name.

Hermione, who?

Sirius wiped at his face and swore aloud. _"Fuck. Merlin. Bitch. Fucker. Betrayer."_

No, he didn't care. He didn't care at all.

Sirius threw on his jacket and headed straight to the nearest muggle bar.

~o~

Muggle girls always loved magic. They were so easy to impress and didn't talk so much as Hermione. They weren't as opinionated as Hermione or argued about stupid stuff like SPEW.

~o~

So what if Hermione couldn't appreciate him and prefered to run off with Harry-something.

~o~  
Sirius didn't need them. He didn't need their mocking laughter in his head while their lives were so happy and perfect together, meanwhile Hermione had just left him with a dagger in his heart.

He was fine. He _was_ fine.

So what if his heart was bleeding?

~o~


	9. Friendzoned

[Dialogue prompt: "This is absolutely ridiculous. Can you speak to him?"] AU.

~O~

 **Double Friendzoned**

~o~

"This is absolutely ridiculous. Can you speak to him?"

"No!"

"Why not?" Sirius raised a heavy eyebrow.

"Sirius, I can't just tell Ron I like him!"

Sirius began to chuckle, his wide grin beaming. "Why on earth not, Hermione?"

"We're best friends," Hermione stammered. "He would kill me if he knew."

Sirius sighed and pulled the brunette's hand to sit down beside him on the park bench.

"I can only say this quickly before I have to pretend to be a dog again and Padfoot—"

"—yeah, I'll have to put your leash back on—"

"Hermione," Sirius pleaded with silver eyes. "Just tell him, what's the worst thing that can happen?"

The brunette chewed on her bottom lip. "Oh, plenty of terrible things could happen. Starting with Ron flat rejects me and laughs in my face for being so pathetic as to develop feelings for him. When he doesn't even feel remotely the same, or anything, for me at all."

The older wizard shook his head, his eyes staring upwards. "Hermione, you're perfect. It doesn't matter if Ron sees that or not, you still are perfect and beautiful."

"Really?" Hermione's widened. "Wait, you think I'm beautiful? Did you just say that?" The brunette couldn't seem to believe her ears, despite how obviously lovely she was.

Sirius groaned at how insecure Hermione was. Of course, she was no model, but she was lovely in her own way; and if he was younger, he might do something about Ron's indifference and lethargy towards her. "Yes and yes. Don't make me sing your praises."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to—"

"It's fine." Sirius grimaced. "Though we really should be going back on the walk and to the house—"

"Sorry."

"Hermione, stop saying 'sorry."

"S—," Hermione stopped herself from saying sorry again and chuckled.

Sirius shared her smile. "Now I'm going to change back, before someone sees me, the infamous Sirius Black. But," he said and stared right into her eyes. "Be patient, and kind to him, eventually he'll see what's before him. If he's really not a complete daft idiot—"

"Sirius!"

"Sorry," the black haired Marauder apologised this time before he winked at her. "Now let's go for that walk. I see some pigeons around that corner there.."

"Sirius, you can be immature sometimes. Chasing pigeons? Really? I don't see how the human side of you can enjoy something so infantile."

"More my dog side that enjoys it," Sirius said with a shrug of his wide shoulders.

"Well, I hope you don't go sniffing around things either."

"Don't be daft!"

Sirius turned back into a dog and soon a solemn, large black dog sat before Hermione, patiently wagging his tail. He barked at her.

 _C'mon, take me for a walk,_ his pleading silver eyes seemed to still be saying in his animal form.

Hermione cheered up slightly and reached out to pat his head. "Sorry, Sirius, I mean Padfoot. Let's go. Sorry to rant at you."

Padfoot licked at her tears.

"Thanks for listening." She smiled and put the leash around him, clipping it to his collar.

"There, you make quite a handsome dog, much better than your human form," Hermione teased.

Padfoot barked unhappily.

"Cheer up, maybe some female dog might like you on our walk."

Padfoot barked twice more and Hermione wasn't sure if they were angry or happy barks. But then he made his displeasure quite clear by shaking his head side to side while growling slightly.

"Okay, fine, sorry. Padfoot, just act like a normal dog."

They couldn't risk any muggles seeing them together. So Hermione pretended he was a regular dog as they continued their walk along the park.

Yet Hermione sincerely hoped, when they came back to Grimmauld Place, that she'd work up the courage to say something to Ron. Without embarrassing herself.

~o~


	10. Hermione realizes something

Written for fanfreak121's daily AU prompts: [Muggle AU. Optional Prompts: Cell phone, Café, surprise, picnic.] Thank you to fanfreak for running the challenge! :)

~O~

Hermione ran into the busy, London cafe where she knew Sirius would be waiting. This is where they had first met, after years of fighting and not getting along, she had met him here in this cafe while she'd been waiting tables...And at first, she had absolutely, positively hated him. Hated his guts. And argued constantly with him...In fact, when they finally started dating, they continued to argue or rather Hermione would argue with Sirius, especially about the rights of house-elves and how he mistreated Kreacher...but lately, god, despite the way he pissed her off last night when he went drinking...oh god she couldn't stay mad at Sirius anymore...she just...cared for him too much.

Hermione bit her lip and pressed her hands on her hips, smoothing over her cardigan sweater over her jeans. She didn't put on any makeup and she probably looked like a complete mess...but Sirius always made her feel beautiful, always appreciated, always smart and brilliant.

 _"Oh, Sirius," Hermione thought, "I'm so sorry I screamed at you yesterday."_

She didn't care about the arguments they had in the past or even last night; she only knew one thing, finally, after so long of denying it and trying to hide it and then dating the wrong guys over and over again...

 _Oh my god.._. Hermione bit her lip and her heartbeat was already panicking and beating frantically as she finally opened the door to the small, London muggle cafe and saw, the man of her dreams, Sirius Black sitting there drinking a pot of coffee noodles (because Sirius was still quite clueless about ordering muggle food and for some reason thought cafe lattes came with noodles.)

"Sirius," she panted.

The beautiful, older man's heroic grey eyes immediately lit up when he saw his favourite 'girl' had just come in. Though Hermione was far past being a girl anymore, she was a grown ass woman in her twenties...and crazy as hell about this handsome aristocratic man before her.

"Sirius," she repeated. Her eyes dragged over Sirius's fancy black leather jacket and tight jeans; he looked good enough to eat and she had to control her racy thoughts under control...until later.

"Yes, love what is it?" Sirius grinned widely and patted the seat across from him so she could sit her tight ass down. "Don't wear out my name just yet, save that for tonight..." the older man chuckled, winking.

"Sirius, keep the joking for later, I have something very serious to tell you." But then Hermione grimaced when she realised she'd just created the perfect opportunity for a pun. "Nevermind, about the serious part, I just mean..."

Sirius Black grabbed her hand from across the table and held it between his own two hands. "Don't worry love. I know what you're going to say."

"You do?" Hermione's eyebrows shot up, she was thinking 'how could Sirius possibly know what I'm going to say?'

Sirius gave her a dashing, debonair smile. "Of course, I do, Mione. I know you like the back of my hand. You were going to say 'Sirius I'm crazy about you, you're the sexiest man I have ever met and I can't get enough of you!'"

"SIRIUS, THAT IS NOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY."

"It wasn't? I could've sworn it was."

"NO!" She blushed. "Although it is true...but nevermind!"

"Then what's the problem?"

"I don't know."

"Then let's order!" Sirius exclaimed and got her a chamomile tea. He then proceeded to tell her that he had planned a vacation just for the two of them: they would be going to picnics and wine tasting in the French countryside.

"Isn't it going to be great?" Sirius asked after he told her about how he'd drive them both there this weekend on his motorbike. He'd already checked and oiled the engine and everything.

Hermione fiddled with the spoon in her teacup as she added more honey to the drink.

"I don't know, Sirius, I'm not sure how I feel about sitting on a motorcycle for such long expanses of time."

"Don't worry love, we'll get you a helmet! Everything will be fine." His expression grew serious. "What was that thing you were going to say to me?"

Hermione gulped down the tea quickly, nearly choking. "Uhm, nevermind, I'll tell you later!"

Thankfully, her cell rang at that moment, allowing her to avoid the awkward topic she'd almost just said to his face ten minutes ago: that she was completely, besottedly, in love with Sirius Black.

But how was she going to tell him? In France? Over the wine? Goodness, maybe she shouldn't tell him at all, he'd probably be drunk off all the wine tasting in France anyways!

~o~


	11. Marauder era Dance Clubbing with Sirius

[okay this is done for lucy kent's titanic competition. i just had to write at least 100 words, so here goes nothing!] [wordcount about 700]  
cheers

.  
[Alternative Universe. Marauder Era where Hermione and Sirius are the same age and they're friends with the Marauders!]  
[Warning for drinking while dancing references, dont drink and drive]

.

 **Dancing with myself**

.

Sirius pulled Hermione by the hand towards the club with the flashing neon sign.

"C'mon, it's going to be fun," Sirius said with a beaming smile as he pulled her towards the entrance.

"No, no I don't want to go, I'm going to make a fool out of myself."

"That's the funnest part, seeing you make a fool out of yourself. You could stand to be a little foolish sometimes  
honey."

Sirius laughed even louder and pulled her hand with even more determination. "C'mon let's go clubbing, we don't  
know how much time we have left."

Hermione pouted; she was tempted to go dancing in the club with Sirius. But part of her was saying - no screaming - that it was a very bad, no good idea.

Hermione dug her heels into the pavement, not letting Sirius pull her even an inch forward more.

"Sirius, you wouldn't happen to have an ulterior motive do you in making me go to the club?"

"Nonsense!" Sirius said even more callously, making Hermione even more suspcious. "I just want you to let loose!"

"THAT'S exactly what I'm worried about!" Hermione's cheeks flushed. Was Sirius trying to get her drunk and dancing like a moron so he could take advantage of her?

Sirius suddenly narrowed his eyes, as if he knew what she was thinking. "It's not what you think, Hermione. I just  
want you to have fun and break out of your shell for a bit." He pouted back at her and made puppy dog eyes. "C'mon pleaseeeeee? I haven't been to a pub in ages!"

"Sirius, you went to the pub just last week with James!"

"Oh, right, I forgot about that. Still! It's been a week!"

"GGRRRRRRRRrrrr Sirius! You're just trying to get me drunk!"

Sirius pulled at her hand again, they were just about one inch from stepping inside the booming, loud-music playing dance club and pub. "So what? I'll make sure nothing happens to you, give me a break," Sirius said with another mischevious smile as he pulled her in.

Hermione's eyes opened wide, however, once they were inside the club and everybody was dancing and moving about. And she realized many people, both men and women, were looking at Sirius and her. A few of them checked her out and smiled appreciatively.

"We're the most attractive couple here," Sirius whispered in her ear. There was a fierce undertone, almost like a growl when he spoke. "Everybody wants you."

"I doubt that." Hermione tried to look down at her modest 70s style hippie dress, yet she couldn't deny it was true: many of the guys in the club were looking at her. Not that Sirius wasn't also getting checked out by at least half of the jealous girls who wanted a piece of the infamous Sirius Black.

While she was worried about all this, suddenly Hermione felt Sirius's arms around her waist.

"I want to see you dance. C'mon, baby, move for me." He laughed in her ear

Hermione wanted to refuse, but suddenly with the music playing loudly and Sirius's eyes on hers, she felt like she could conquer...

"Okay. Fine." Hermione smiled. "I'll need a drink first though."

"I thought so." Sirius laughed as he went to the bar to order them drinks. Hermione blushed as she realized she was watching Sirius's hot arse from behind as he walked in his tight jeans.

 _Somebody pinch me_ , she thought. Hermione could still not figure out why the hottest, most sought-after Marauder had chosen her to pursue.

Yet it made sense too when she saw the way Sirius looked back at her, his silver eyes gleaming and happy, as he walked back towards her with their drinks.

 _Yes, Sirius I want you,_ she thought. And yet she kept her real feelings hidden.

"Everything alright, baby?" Sirius asked with that same gleam in his beautiful eyes.

Hermione tried to gulp down her fears. "Yeah."

She felt Sirius's hand on her waist again and he passed her a drink.

~o~


	12. Jealousy will drive you mad

adult Hermione/Sirius

theme: jealousy

song: selfish by virginia to vegas

warning: slightly deranged postazkaban and possessivesirius.

* * *

Jealousy will drive you mad.

He counts by the seconds.

Each one is agonizing. Another blight to his self esteem, to his sense of security. Of having what is his.

Sirius waits, walking in short, jumpy paths in front of the fireplace.

Every so often, he throws another champagne flute into the fire as he thinks of her.

Of why she's still not home. At Grimmauld Place where she belongs.

 _Fuck._

He checks the watch on the mantlepiece for the billionith time. It seems.

Have a billion seconds passed since she last walked out this door?

He could almost laugh now at his own stupidity.

How could he have let her walk out this door? Why didn't he just grab her by the shoulders and get a feel of that ridiculous bushy brown hair and tell the damn chit exactly what she meant to him.

If he wasn't still a fugitive and under house arrest, he'd run out right now and go after her.

As Padfoot he could chase her down and locate her in the wildest most abandoned places.

He'd find her honeysuckle and vanilla scent of her skin and hair again. The lavender detergent she used to wash her clothes-the muggle way, instead of just Scourgifying them the normal way all wizards and witches did. Except for Hermione. That damn muggleborn backward chit. That was driving him mad.

Why did I let her slip out of my grasp?

Barely two hours ago she'd been in his parlour, filling it with her laughter and her scent. And it sent a strange thrill through him whenever she deliberately avoided eye contact with him, as if she knew, she knew exactly what she was doing to him and it wasn't an illusion in his head.

Though it was a damn cruel thing to do to an ex-convict prisoner like him. Didn't she know how hard the war had been on all of them? Didn't she know she shouldn't play with fire?

Damn. Damn. Damn. He was in a great moral dillemna.

Hermione was now 19. She was free to do what she liked, she was an adult. He couldn't stop her. He wasn't her godfather. Though he wouldn't even order around Harry if he tried. Sirius didn't want to order anyone around.

Or wait. That wasn't true. He fucking did want to order someone around.

He wanted to order Hermione Granger to come back home right now so he could stop worrying for her and wondering what the hell she was getting

up to in that pretty red dress. She shouldn't have gone out dressed like that. Better yet, Sirius shouldn't have let her out like that. It was wrong. It was

all wrong.

And right now, he couldn't help fearing that someone else's eyes were on those legs and sexy ass and that red dress could be slipping off her shoulders, if she got drunk, if something happened...

Another glass flute went flying into a spattering of violent fractures against the fireplace.

He checks the clock again.

Where is she? WHY ISN'T SHE BACK?

He's about ready to throw the clock in too. Destroy the damn instrument of his torture he was been obsessively checking for the past two hours.

No there must be a way that abillion seconds fit into the last two hours, there just has to be. Too much time has passed.

"That's it. Something's happened to her. I'm going after her."

In a matter of seconds, before he even has time to think through any sort of plan, he's already transformed into Padfoot and bounding out the front door of Grimmauld Place, his wet nose sniffing the wet pavement where he already can pick up a trail of scent from where her boots last walked...

Not for the first or last time, he thanks merlin that his animagus is a dog.

Bloody useful.

He's going to find her, and he's going to take Hermione J Granger back home. Because bloody hell, it might be completely deranged, but she belongs

to him.

He's decided, somewhere deep inside of him that knows no words, she is his. He can't let anyone else have her. He won't let it happen.

His tail wags as he picks up the pace and breaks all rules to bring back the one woman he loves.

~o~


	13. Crackfic chapter

A quick story for new years eve. If you are a long time reader, you know this collection used to be called "sirius player" and was a crackfic comedy collection of sirius paired with everybody as a joke. Inclding some untasteful sirius pairings. Well, for old time's sake. Happy 2018, may it be full of jokes and romance.

~o~

Sirius Black walked into a bar.

"Gimme a firewhiskey and a bowl of nuts."

"SIRIUS!" A voice shot like a whip behind him.

Sirius felt chills down his neck as he recognized that voice. He winced as he turned around and prayed and hoped it wasn't who he thought it was.

Damn. Of course it was of course.

"Dumblewhore." Sirius flicked his eyes in a mixture of shame and lustful regret as he regarded the 80 year old man dressed in garter socks and heels again. "Selling yourself again?"

Sirius's hand quickly grabbed the firewhiskey the barman passed to him. He downed it one gulp. He needed the alchohol to numb his memory from the shame of his past.

Dumbledore giggled and sauntered up to him, none so discreetly, the old man pushed up his heavy double D breasts in his tight dress as he made his way to sit beside  
Sirius.

Dumbledore ordered a drink and lifted up the glass, his sparkling blue eyes making contact with Sirius's. "For old time's sake?"

Sirius hated himself at this moment. Truly fucking hated himself right now.

"Sure, why not." Sirius grinned broadly. "I'll pay you to be my sugar baby though technically I am younger than you. I'm still richer and can afford to indulge your lifestyle of lavish trips to Paris, lingerie and high end dinners."

Dumblewhore laughed and pressed his cleavage together. "I am the best sugar BABY TO MY DADDY"

Sirius tried not to vomit and hung his head in shame. This was even worse than the time he serenaded Dolores Umbridge AND Fang.


End file.
